What Laura Wouldn’t Do: Be in any kind of ‘harem’

There are funny celeb stories, there are sad celeb stories, and then there are the ones that are just well weird, and the news that Simon Cowell (definitely not the most Dad-ish celeb around, despite the moobs and high-waisters) is having a baby. Well, via the baby-making equipment of Lauren Silverman, an until-recently-married lady he’s apparently been mates with for seven years.

But what’s even more mental (so that’s WELL mental) are the stories now circulating about the impact this has had on Si-Co’s harem – the random collection of exes who part-work, part-holiday with Simon including everyone from Sinitta to Jackie St Clair (still don’t know why this woman is famous) and his most recent serious lady, and one-time fiancée, Mezghan Husseiny.

Perhaps predictably, the most extreme reaction to the news was Sinitta’s, who reportedly/allegedly/etc burst into tears at the news saying *dramatic voice* ‘It should have been me’. Soz Sinitta, and it might not be true, but I CAN TOTALLY SEE THIS HAPPENING. She also tweeted, then cryptically, now embarrassingly? on July 29th: ‘Something has just happened ..half miracle, half nightmare! #WakeMeUpIWantToGetOff!!’ I slightly fear for Lauren’s life.

Image

A representation of Simon Cowell’s harem, in kitten form

Apparently, in other reports that shouldn’t be, but are entirely believably true, the shock stems from the fact that ‘in the harem hierarchy, Lauren is regarded as the fun, party girl’. Which makes me imagine their pecking order thusly:

Top: Sinitta obvs. She’s the most obviously terrifying and quite possibly the strongest. Tiny but made of muscle.

Second: Mezghan. Actually-having-been-engaged to Si-Co gives her extra clout, plus she’s currently working as his make-up artist – a role that wields much power.

Third: Jackie St Clair. Does anyone know why she’s famous? Also her name sounds obviously made up for fame purposes.

But now Lauren’s thrown an actual baby into the mix! Why didn’t Sinitta/Mezghan/Jackie think of this? With hindsight it seems obvious!

I suppose it isn’t entirely fair of me to judge, given that I don’t as yet have any billionaire exes willing to fly me out for a holiday in the Caribbean free of charge or find a way to employ me despite a general lack of skills/talent. And maybe if I did I’d be all HELLZYES to a harem – without the tantrum-based tear shedding obvs.

But generally I like to keep to my basic rules of being a normal person – ie not being weirdly possessive about an ex I dated ten trillion years ago, or being corralled into some bizarre ego-massaging group-wife scenario with a load of other former girlfriends I’m forced to compete with. And I sort of think these women should too.

Still, I am grateful to them for taking this unconventional route because, if nothing else, it’s fucking entertaining.

(Laura One)

What would YOU do? Tweet me @WWLauraTweet and tell ALL

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