Poor Kelly Brook is not a sentence I ever imagined myself saying, given her general lovely-faced, gravity-defying figure and life comprised solely of bikini-clad holidays (how can I make this my job?). But it’s a sentiment I and much of the female world found ourselves sharing as news reached us that her boyfriend Danny Cipriani had been cheating, in sext to sex based formats, with up to seven other ladies. YIKES.
And if that wasn’t humiliating enough (note to dating Gods – it really is) Kelly had to endure discovering all this with the knowledge that somewhere out there, Jordan was sitting – or more likely standing in a sexy horse/giant pair of lips costume – saying ‘I told you so’ in between touch ups and awks photo opportunities (and possibly an entire start-to-finish relationship, marriage and divorce – it’s the Jordan way). Because the revelations follow a mere two months after Jordan warned Kelly over Twitter that Danny would ‘never be faithful’.
But in some ways (and soz to heap it on at a shit time, but TOUGH LOVE) – Kelly only had herself to blame. Because if Jordan has a specialist subject beyond bizarro costumes and making squillions of money, it’s ‘The Life and Works of Shit Men’. She’s pretty much been out with them all. Dane Bowers: wrote a song about her stalking him. Dwight Yorke: dumped her when pregnant. Peter Andre: passive-aggressively slated her at every chance. Alex Reid: is Alex Reid. Then there’s the fact that she actually dated Danny herself (albeit briefly), so might have an idea how much of a lying, cheating scumbag he is (um, if he is, celebrity lawyer types).
Not that I’m holding up Jordan as some kind of relationship guru. THE WOMAN HAS JUST INSTA-MARRIED AN ACTUAL STRIPPER. But when it comes to the shitty man end of the spectrum (grrr to that end of the spectrum) she’s certainly amassed some knowledge of their inner workings. And outer sexings.
What I’m hoping for now, is a 180˚ turnaround of the kind only Jordan can pull off (the woman dresses up as lips/horses – she can pretty much do anything). Where Jordan reaches out to Kelly, and the two bond, hopefully publicly, over their mutual dislike of Danny. C’mon Jordan – you did it with Chantelle, now it’s time to extend the Sisterhood of Shit-men Daters to Kelly. And all go out in some of your mental costumes. Because that would be HILARIOUS.
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