What Would Laura Do/Not Do)? Two things…

The first would be take a blog hiatus due to general stress. Yes, things got a bit pressured in Lauratown (population: Lauras) and pressured does not an amusing blog post make. Well not at the time anyway. I’m not ruling out coming back to this whole unfortunate period at some point in the future and being all kinds of entertaining about it.

BUT! The good news is that the stress is over. Well of course it’s not actually over, but things are at least more manageable and that means it’s time to move onto point two…

What Laura Wouldn’t Do: Ever, EVER have a ‘single table’ at her wedding

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Well, actually I don’t. I mean you might be thinking “What the hell’s a single table Laura?” In which case I’d explain that it’s a table at a wedding full of single people. So that’s that dealt with. But BEYOND THAT, you’re probably (possibly) thinking “C’mon Laura, what’s wrong with a single table? We’re all single. Stick us together in a completely casual, ‘What, it’s total chance that we’re all single, but while we’re at it, let’s get unsingle’ way, and let us spend the rest of the night flirt-snogging into the early hours.”

And of course I’m not against that per se.

But when it comes to Sarah Beeny’s single table – I have to draw a line. Because Beeny, in a shameless publicity drive for her dating website MySingleFriend.com has launched a sister site called MySingleTable.com. And it’s THE WORST IDEA EVER. If you don’t believe me, have a look. Go on. And then come back and get annoyed with me.

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Let’s start with this. “Weddings are the perfect place to matchmake your single friends that might not have met otherwise without you bringing them together.” Right. So we’re all single. We’re in an enclosed space. Booze is flowing. You think we don’t have a handle on this? No? Okay, let’s continue. “But every single person knows what it’s like to be sat to Great Aunt Edna when there’s hotties on the other table.” For a start – poor Great Aunt Edna! Like, maybe Great Aunt Edna is amazing company? And maybe us single people don’t spend every second of our lives slavering over ‘hotties’ (ugh to that word) and actually enjoy speaking to old ladies about their probably very interesting lives? Then there’s this patronising smugness: “So seat your single guests at the same table and subtly play matchmaker while you celebrate the best day of your life.” Yes Beeny. A table made entirely of single people. Genius in it’s whisper-like subtlety.

And those aren’t the only nuggets of wisdom the ‘dating guru’ has to share. She goes on to suggest that you “Get your singles unique goody bags – with old school sweets, lipgloss for the girls and miniature whiskey for the guys.” So what can happen? We all get high on sugar, then the men drunkenly egg us on while we apply lip gloss suggestively? It’s like the worst seduction idea in the history of actual time. She also suggests leaving a disposable camera on the table (standard wedding practice surely), a lottery ticket for everyone (WTF?) and setting them the task of sharing their funniest moment with the bride and groom (pressure much?). “Whoever has the best story wins a bottle of champagne!” Well how about EVERYONE gets a bottle of champagne AND WATCH THE HOOK UPS ROLL.

And don’t think we’re done here. Having ghettoised the singles, forced them to play weird sex games, and confused them with a random Lotto purchase, Beeny then encourages the bride and groom to “spread the love” by giving them a free month’s subscription to MySingleFriend. Because they are horrendous desperate single people who must be cured of this disgusting affliction IMMEDIATELY. Don’t worry about their embarrassment/discomfort/basic self esteem. JUST GET THEM DATING.

GNYAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHSARAHBEENY.

Right, I’m feeling a lot better for getting that off my chest, so I’m definitely going to be back more often.

What do you think of MySingleTable.SHIT? Tweet me @WWLTweet

(Laura One)

 

 

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