What Would Laura Do? Matchmake Miley and Harry

About twenty trillion relationship light years ago (estimate) I was in a relationship with a guy who really didn’t want to be there. He’d withdrawn emotionally, was cold physically and no longer said ‘I Love You’. I tried to break it off a couple of times, but for some reason (and not because he wanted to make things work) he wouldn’t let me. So we struggled on miserably together. Until I saw some photos from my birthday party. There we were, standing behind the decks together, with me smiling widely and him looking ENTIRELY MISERABLE. His face couldn’t have said ‘I don’t want to be here’ more without the aid of an actual marker pen. And clocking that depressingness captured on actual camera was mortifying (although ultimately the brutal wake up call I needed to break up with him once and for all).

And this is kind of how I feel every time I see a photo of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth together (although admittedly that doesn’t happen all that often these days). While she still looks happy (ish), he looks slightly pained, like he’s secretly searching for an escape route. Preferably to a waiting helicopter. To a rocket. To Mars. Even Miley isn’t quite her usual sparky, wide-smiling, tongue-flashing self (not sure newly-serious-actor Liam approves of the tongue-flashing now).

Compare that to the chemistry-rammed pics of Miley and Harry Styles at the Teen Choice Awards. Firstly they look seriously happy and super-comfortable together (he has his arm wrapped round her super-taut bod, she has her hand resting lightly on his chest). Secondly, the sexual tension (currently lacking between Miley and Liam) is palpable. Lastly – how right are these two for each other RIGHT THIS SECOND NOW? While Miley and Liam have outgrown each other since getting together three years ago (she’s embraced her wild side and love of teeny clothing, while he’s gone all serious actor who leaves pre-Oscar bashes with January Jones :S) Harry and Miley are at the exact same reckless sexy partying stage that would make this pairing ENTIRELY BRILLIANT.

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Miley and Harry Styles at the Teen Choice Awards. Basically

And apart from all the extreme fun they’d have (important), it would mean an end to the limpingly miserable, grindingly hopeless and essentially already over Miley/Liam SADFEST. And if anyone is going to get you over a disinterested ex, it’s a red-hot fling with Harry Styles. He should really be available on prescription.

(Laura One)

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What Would Laura Do? Listen to Jordan (no SRSLY)

Poor Kelly Brook is not a sentence I ever imagined myself saying, given her general lovely-faced, gravity-defying figure and life comprised solely of  bikini-clad holidays (how can I make this my job?). But it’s a sentiment I and much of the female world found ourselves sharing as news reached us that her boyfriend Danny Cipriani had been cheating, in sext to sex based formats, with up to seven other ladies. YIKES.

And if that wasn’t humiliating enough (note to dating Gods – it really is) Kelly had to endure discovering all this with the knowledge that somewhere out there, Jordan was sitting – or more likely standing in a sexy horse/giant pair of lips costume – saying ‘I told you so’ in between  touch ups and awks photo opportunities (and possibly an entire start-to-finish relationship, marriage and divorce – it’s the Jordan way). Because the revelations follow a mere two months after Jordan warned Kelly over Twitter that Danny would ‘never be faithful’.

I googled 'kitten in horse costume'. This came up.

I googled ‘kitten in horse costume’. This came up.

But in some ways (and soz to heap it on at a shit time, but TOUGH LOVE) – Kelly only had herself to blame. Because if Jordan has a specialist subject beyond bizarro costumes and making squillions of money, it’s ‘The Life and Works of Shit Men’. She’s pretty much been out with them all. Dane Bowers: wrote a song about her stalking him. Dwight Yorke: dumped her when pregnant. Peter Andre: passive-aggressively slated her at every chance. Alex Reid: is Alex Reid. Then there’s the fact that she actually dated Danny herself (albeit briefly), so might have an idea how much of a lying, cheating scumbag he is (um, if he is, celebrity lawyer types).

Not that I’m holding up Jordan as some kind of relationship guru. THE WOMAN HAS JUST INSTA-MARRIED AN ACTUAL STRIPPER. But when it comes to the shitty man end of the spectrum (grrr to that end of the spectrum) she’s certainly amassed some knowledge of their inner workings. And outer sexings.

What I’m hoping for now, is a 180˚ turnaround of the kind only Jordan can pull off (the woman dresses up as lips/horses – she can pretty much do anything). Where Jordan reaches out to Kelly, and the two bond, hopefully publicly, over their mutual dislike of Danny. C’mon Jordan – you did it with Chantelle, now it’s time to extend the Sisterhood of Shit-men Daters to Kelly. And all go out in some of your mental costumes. Because that would be HILARIOUS.

(Laura One)

What do you think about the whole Kelly/Danny/Jordan scenario? Tweet us @WWLauraTweet

And if you’ve got a love/life/whatever dilemma you’d like us to solve/chip in on via our blog, email us at lauratimesthree@gmail.com (all identities will be protected)

What Would Laura Drink? Pimm’s, made from scratch

Off to see Labyrinth* in Manor House Gardens later so am making Pimm’s. Usually “making Pimm’s” is interpreted as “adding lemonade to readymade Pimm’s”, which causes confusion when I turn up with my own concoction in a plastic bottle. Actually make it! You get more booze for your buck, plus it’s all ingredients you can use for other drinks (as opposed to readymade Pimm’s, which is a one trick pony, and pretty much redundo from October to May.) It’s:

1 part gin

1 part red vermouth

0.5 parts triple sec

Once poured in cups, just add a shit load of fruit (I go strawberries, orange, lime and cucumber, plus a sprig of mint) and a handful of ice, then top with lemonade.

He gets angry if you forget the strawberries

He gets angry if you forget the strawberries

Cheers! <clinks glass. Spills down hand>

(Laura Two)

*The eighties film classic starring David Bowie. Not to be confused with rapper Labrinth. (FYI, Laura would do the Goblin King.)

Got an awesome cocktail recipe? Tweet @WWLauraTweet to share it

What Laura Wouldn’t Do: Be in any kind of ‘harem’

There are funny celeb stories, there are sad celeb stories, and then there are the ones that are just well weird, and the news that Simon Cowell (definitely not the most Dad-ish celeb around, despite the moobs and high-waisters) is having a baby. Well, via the baby-making equipment of Lauren Silverman, an until-recently-married lady he’s apparently been mates with for seven years.

But what’s even more mental (so that’s WELL mental) are the stories now circulating about the impact this has had on Si-Co’s harem – the random collection of exes who part-work, part-holiday with Simon including everyone from Sinitta to Jackie St Clair (still don’t know why this woman is famous) and his most recent serious lady, and one-time fiancée, Mezghan Husseiny.

Perhaps predictably, the most extreme reaction to the news was Sinitta’s, who reportedly/allegedly/etc burst into tears at the news saying *dramatic voice* ‘It should have been me’. Soz Sinitta, and it might not be true, but I CAN TOTALLY SEE THIS HAPPENING. She also tweeted, then cryptically, now embarrassingly? on July 29th: ‘Something has just happened ..half miracle, half nightmare! #WakeMeUpIWantToGetOff!!’ I slightly fear for Lauren’s life.

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A representation of Simon Cowell’s harem, in kitten form

Apparently, in other reports that shouldn’t be, but are entirely believably true, the shock stems from the fact that ‘in the harem hierarchy, Lauren is regarded as the fun, party girl’. Which makes me imagine their pecking order thusly:

Top: Sinitta obvs. She’s the most obviously terrifying and quite possibly the strongest. Tiny but made of muscle.

Second: Mezghan. Actually-having-been-engaged to Si-Co gives her extra clout, plus she’s currently working as his make-up artist – a role that wields much power.

Third: Jackie St Clair. Does anyone know why she’s famous? Also her name sounds obviously made up for fame purposes.

But now Lauren’s thrown an actual baby into the mix! Why didn’t Sinitta/Mezghan/Jackie think of this? With hindsight it seems obvious!

I suppose it isn’t entirely fair of me to judge, given that I don’t as yet have any billionaire exes willing to fly me out for a holiday in the Caribbean free of charge or find a way to employ me despite a general lack of skills/talent. And maybe if I did I’d be all HELLZYES to a harem – without the tantrum-based tear shedding obvs.

But generally I like to keep to my basic rules of being a normal person – ie not being weirdly possessive about an ex I dated ten trillion years ago, or being corralled into some bizarre ego-massaging group-wife scenario with a load of other former girlfriends I’m forced to compete with. And I sort of think these women should too.

Still, I am grateful to them for taking this unconventional route because, if nothing else, it’s fucking entertaining.

(Laura One)

What would YOU do? Tweet me @WWLauraTweet and tell ALL

So… What Would Laura Do?

It’s a question I (um, Laura One?) often ask myself while indulgently referring to myself in the third person (some situations require this). And it’s probably a question my other friends-and-colleagues Lauras (um, Two and Three?) ask themselves on a regular basis (I hope so Lauras Two and Three? – soz if I’m wrong). And it’s definitely a question we ask each other, while trying our best to negotiate the difficult business of actual life (relationships, friendships, work, family, AARGH ACTUALLY EVERYTHING). And generally we can come up with some pretty good advice that makes us feel better/we can ponder over/finally make some decent choices which is all anyone can really ask for. Right?

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This kind of thing will also be involved

So we thought we’d share that – and our random thoughts/musings/what’s making us happy/hacking us off – as well as those of other expert people to help you with all of the above, should you require it. So feel free to leave a comment, drop us an email (lauratimesthree@gmail.com) or tweet us (@WWLauraTweet) with anything you need advice on. Or just to tell us what you would do.

PLEASE DO.